With my parents divorce essentially finalized, and spending more time with my relatives, I’ve begun to really appreciate my family like I never have before. Tonight was my cousin David’s wedding. His wife’s family is one of the closest families I have ever met, and it made me think about my family. My personal relationships with my immediate family and extended relatives have blossomed over the past couple of years, and I couldn’t be happier.

In the past when my mother and I would come to South Dakota for my cousin’s weddings, I felt disconnected and out of place. Tonight was a much different feeling. I really felt a part of the family. I guess you could say that because I’ve spent more time over the past 7 months has increased my bond with them, but I think there is another factor that many people try to ignore: the positive effects of divorce.

Before my parents divorced, there was always a white elephant in the room whenever it came to family stuff. It didn’t matter if it was at home, visiting family, or even at my friend’s family events, I always had this black cloud over my feelings when it came to family. Now after the divorce has taken place, it really feels like that black cloud has lifted. I can openly talk to and relate to any and all of my family and not feel (as) awkward. I can only hope that this continues to get better and better as time goes on. (This might also help with my natural shyness when it comes to large group activities as well, which will be nice)

• Be successful at my career
• Find someone to marry and settle down
• Continue to improve on trombone
• etc. etc.

They are all very nice sounding goals and such, but by keeping them vague, I gave myself an out, in that I didn’t know how I would accomplish those goals. Since then I have learned that for me to be successful, I need to set attainable, defined goals. My current list:

• Become proficient enough in jazz to either participate in or form a jazz combo that earns paying gigs
• Continue to be employed as a teacher in the public schools until such time that I can embark on my goal of running a community music school as my career.
• Learn to/Develop my ability to compose music. The current goal is to compose jazz tunes for combo and/or big bands. I keep the option of composing in other genres open as well.
• Become debt-free (pay off any and all loans)
• Adjust my lifestyle so that I am a healthier person.

Admittedly, a couple of those are still vague, but the ability to set defined goals within them is attainable. My big problem is now, how do I accomplish all of that in my human lifetime? I look at those goals, and realize, damn, I could have been a lot farther along towards those goals if only I had…..(there are a myriad of things I could put here).

Some time soon, I will create a checklist of things to accomplish, I’m just a little hesitant to think how long that list will be. To quote a movie: “Baby-steps”

I’ve already began some baby-steps:

• I play in a jazz combo at Phoenix College
• I am taking jazz improvisation lessons
• I am currently kicking around ideas of how I could start off the process of creating this school of mine. My first step has been to home my skills as a private instructor. My next step is possibly going to be a summer music camp in 2012…

There are many reasons, but a few major ones:

• I trained to be a band teacher, and that was taken away from me, due to budgetary constraints.
• I only received minimal training in the General Music area (read this University profs, you need to cover more!), yet that is my full time job now.
• My salary is dependent on the whims of the politicians in AZ, who to be quite frank, scare the living daylights out of me sometimes.
• The time I do have to educate children about the wonders of music, which is already minimal, is subject to interruptions from testing and other school related activities.

I’ve spent the past couple of years thinking about what I want to do with my career, the prospects of being able to do that while still living in the place that I want to, and how successful I would be in light of the ever-changing state of public education here in AZ.

Community and Public School Music Education

It is interesting to me that I chose to work in the public education sector, when my music education didn’t begin there as it does for many people. I began my musical life as a four year old in the Suzuki method. The Suzuki method is a very community based system here in the US. I spent many Saturday mornings (missed a lot of cartoons [sad-face]) taking master classes and other related activities with other Suzuki students. I can also remember at least a few different trips to Suzuki summer camps.

When I traveled to Germany and the Netherlands in 2007, I learned a bit about the music education over there, or at least in the areas I visited. In the areas I visited, music education is addressed more on a community level rather than in the public schools. In this situation, members from the community participate in the music program, and their community ensembles are made up of all different age categories. I found it to be an interesting take on music education.

Music Education in Arizona/United States

There is a lot of controversy in the US/Arizona regarding funding for government programs, with public education being one of the larger expenses. Additionally, there is a strong demand for ‘accountability’ in public schools, which is resulting in more money and time being spent on analyzing the education of our students, and less on the actual learning of the students. As a result, music education and other ‘non-core’ subjects are being pushed to the side to make sure the students are getting all of the important testing time they apparently need.

What I want to do

I’ve had a growing desire to start working with or starting my own out of school music program. My eventual goal would be to have private lessons, master classes, and performing ensembles all under the same organization. Ideally, during the weekdays, adults could take lessons and master classes, and maybe even have small ensembles, after school, kids could come take lessons and master classes. Ensemble rehearsal times would depend on the make-up of the group: i.e. school age students would rehearse in the late afternoon/early evening, adult groups could be during the day, and the weekends would be available as well.

Facilities would include rooms for private lessons, larger rooms for master classes, large rehearsal rooms, and a performance hall.

Delusions of grandeur maybe, but it’s a vision I can’t shake. I think it can, and it will, happen some day.

Last year, I relied mainly on meals from the store Fresh and Easy, mainly salads. This was better for me, but because I was eating salad, I supplemented other food into my meals as well that wasn’t as healthy.

This year, I am at mainly one school all day, which means I can bring a lunch with me, and heat it up. Money-wise this has been a blessing, because eating on the go gets expensive after awhile. So far this year I’ve relied mainly on frozen meals, majority of which have been the Healthy Choice Steamer meals.

As a part of my new commitment to my health, I am trying to commit to bringing something homemade for lunch everyday, whether it be a reheated dinner or something I prepared especially for lunch.

A couple of nights ago I made a Beef and Cabbage Casserole It was not too bad, although I over did the melted cheese on top, and I didn’t use the right size dish. I paired that with a salad of mixed greens, corn, and black beans, with a creamy cilantro dressing, and I had some thyme and garlic artisan bread. In the diet I am trying to stick by, I want to have a high content of vegetables, low amount of carbs, and at least some of the rest of the food groups, because I want to have a balanced diets of meats, veggies, and grains.

I’m not sure what I will try next, hopefully something tonight so I have some leftovers to bring to lunch tomorrow.

My follow-up appointment with my doctor was Friday morning. The diagnosis was Diabetic Ketoacidosis. This is the second time in a little over a year that I’ve been diagnosed with this condition, which has a good potential of being fatal. The last time I had it, I ended up in the ICU for three days. This time my doctor helped me get back with out having to incur those costs again.

I’ve decided enough is enough. I’ve had too many close calls, too many ups and downs, too much yo-yoing between being healthy and not, between living comfortably and not. I’ve been letting my diabetic condition control my life, and I’m ready to take the control back. It’s not going to be an easy process, I need support that I’ve refused or ignored in the past. I need to give up my pride and admit that at this point in time, I am not able to handle this all on my own like I thought I could. Thankfully, I have my best friend who has decided he needs to change his unhealthy habits as well. I think with him and any other friends I can draw support from I can be the independent person I’ve always strived to be, even with Diabetes.

For my own uses, I will be keeping a blog about what I’m doing to fulfill this goal, what research I’ve done to get there, and to just talk about whatever I need to in relation to this process. If you are a friend of mine who wants to help me out, I’ve got a request. Keep track of this blog, bug me if I don’t update it, because if I don’t update it, it probably means I’m getting lazy again.

Today I feel brand new, and I’m dedicating myself to trying to feel this way as much as possible from here on out!

We have a fundraiser at one of my schools called the Fall Festival. It’s kind of like a school carnival with all sorts of activities that the patrons can participate in. Each patron buys tickets, and each activity/event requires a certain number of tickets. One of those activities is the haunted house (which is very well done, mind you). Apparently, this needs to take place inside, because I guess it is to difficult to put together outside. I wouldn’t have a problem with this activity, if it didn’t take place in my classroom.

Fundraising is probably the most important role of a PTA, but not at the expense of education. I could probably look at this blog from a year ago and see this same concern last year. At least last year I had warning though. I didn’t realize they were taking over my room until I walked in this morning.

School is about to start up again, and I’m feeling somewhat apprehensive about this year considering I’m teaching General Music all the time.

I’m working on getting my lessons up and going again so I can quit Barnes and Noble. I’ve realized something about myself- I dislike working for other people.  What I mean by that is that I don’t like earning money for someone else. I don’t like the idea that if I put in an extra effort to do my job well- I do not see the end reward of that effort. I could work my butt off and do work that could be considered worth $12.50 an hour, and could possibly earn barnes and Noble a significant increase in sales on my behalf, but I will still only get paid $7.50. That’s the farce of retail- only the people at the top reap the benefits of the workers below them. Whereas my teaching job- if I put in extra effort there, and my students do better than they would have otherwise- I get the satisfaction that I accomplished something worthwhile in addition to the pay I receive. So yeah- me and the retail work environment won’t last long I think.

I’ve always been against Homeowner’s Associations. I’ve never liked the idea of living in a place that if I didn’t meet someone else’s expectations, I could be fined money. Recent experiences have fortified my b personal position against such organizations yet again. I will never purchase a property that lies within an HOA. I may inherit, win, or otherwise become an owner of an HOA, but I will never make the conscious decision to purchase in one of those corrupt organizations.

I can easily be described as a "Nice Guy": a person who strives to make others around him happy at the cost of himself. As I said before, I thought this was a good thing, and I still have friendships to this day because of that. One major consequence of this however was that I got so used to trying to make others happy that it set me up for a cycle that would cause me emotional problems later on: avoidance of confrontations, lack of confidence in specific situations, and a general subservient attitude when it came to being around others.

It is kind of surreal that I can get up in front of an audience and play my trombone with a minimal amount of nervousness, or I can stand in front of a room full of parents and talk to them about how their children have been doing in class; but when it comes to telling a woman I am interested in her and would like to go on a date with her, I clam up.

Every relationship I’ve had has developed as kind of an unspoken understanding of mutual attraction, eventually spoken about, but there was no definite ‘first date’. I always eased into relationships, meaning I didn’t have to have the confidence to speak my desires or anything, I just kind of fell into the relationships. I am coming to the realization that this process of getting into these relationships is probably what has doomed them.

This isn’t meaning I’m goign to become a cocky jerk, but that I will actually stand up and state what I want instead of letting things pass me by and kicking myself in the butt.